Dust on the Ground
by Renfields-Spider
Summary: Spoilers for ME3. Shepard died, opportunities were lost. Cerberus revived him to defeat the Reapers and that's exactly what he plans to do. Only, is he still Commander Shepard or the Cerberus puppet people believe him to be. Is he still the man Kaidan thought he was? More importantly, will he survive long enough to find out? Alternate p.o.v to 'Wake the Sea of Silent Hope'.


It's that ancient love

That you won't outgrow

_Dust on the Ground_ – Bombay Bicycle Club

The ship came away from my feet and I felt ice shiver through me. In milliseconds I knew that I was in shit, I reached out desperately searching for something to grab and found nothing. Butterflies of doom beat their wings in my chest and I jabbed at the life pod release, accepting I was done, but that Joker was not. The next blast threw me into space and I felt debris crack against my back and helmet. I saw pieces of the Normandy go flying past and into the upper atmosphere of the planet we had orbited, they burned on re-entry. I had always known I would probably die violently, suddenly with no time to say goodbye. I raged, I screamed. Then the air ran out. I kicked and struggled. I clawed at my helmet release, panicked. The catch would not release in zero gravity. My chest burned and my heart thudded quickly and then slowed, pulsing with decreasing effort. The alien sun gave the planet, which was to be my grave, a beautiful corona of light with the most beautiful colours I'd ever seen. I know now that was my brains reaction to hypoxia. There was no peace in the agony that charged through me, I died alone and terrified. Whenever anyone asks me what dying was like, I lie and say I can't remember. Nobody actually wants to hear a truthful answer.

I take my helmet off and I see red dirt in the joins. The dust peppers the plexiglass. I blow at it and a puff of dust flies into the air. I watch the particulate fall. Beyond, light blue hands flick across Kaidan's face, neck, and chest, caressing and assessing. There is a coppery smell, I don't know if it's the planet's scent or blood. I have nothing other than a basic knowledge of field medicine; I can do nothing but watch. The tightness in my chest does not release.

There is no shock or need for the reality of the Reapers to sink in. Revelation regaled itself to me two and a half years ago; I know how this is going down. I knew it wouldn't be easy; I know the role I have to play. But I never imagined I would feel this way again.

'His breathing is shallow, but steady for now. We should get him to med bay as soon as we board the Normandy,' Liara states and her eyes linger on me for a moment before she continues with her work.

I nod, and the trip back seems much longer than getting here. I carry Kaidan to med bay and lay him down, lifeless. I see how concerned Liara is, about me, about Kaiden and this fucking situation. I agree the Citadel is the place to go, when she suggests it, but leave her to watch over him, as I cannot bear it.

I watch as the Citadel medics take Kaidan away, I want to go with him but must attend to the council first. The mission is everything.

I don't know what I expected from the council, something, anything, would've been nice. I don't expect them to put their own people at risk, of course, but help in some form. I storm away from the Presidium, disgusted by the ivory tower they have made for themselves.

'You can't blame them for being selfish; they haven't seen what we have. They simply do not understand,' Liara defends.

'I wish they had the courage of their convictions, oh no wait - they'd have to find some first.'

Liara stops my forced march by stepping in front of me, 'Shepard?' She says my name like it's a question. I have to stop or barge into her, which she knows I will not do. Avoiding her line of sight, I look over her right shoulder, at a Salarian reading a data pad. She physically moves so I have no choice, but to look her in the eye. She crosses into my personal space, inches away from my face, a thing she does with alarming frequency lately. It must be Asari behaviour for dominance or anger; I don't know.

'I'm not sure what you want me to say, Liara,' she continues to look at me saying nothing, 'I'm just frustrated. I want to be active, not wasting time with bullshit politics that won't mean a thing in a few weeks.' I stare back, mimicking her look.

'You know we need them. You also know that we have to get them on board, no matter what. You're the only person I know who is capable of that, Shepard.' She reaches out and holds my arm, squeezing and letting go. I know she's half-right, but not sure I'm the only person who could do it.

'Do you want to go and see Kaidan now?' She asks.

'Yes.'

The word comes out but I'm not sure I mean it. I don't want to 'see' him, because he's a wreck and I'm not sure what I can do for him. I don't pray or believe in a higher power that can affect the outcome of Kaidan's injuries. I dislike feeling helpless in general, but especially in the presence of a man I admire, care about. I'm not even sure if he'd want me to visit given the subject of our last conversation on Mars.

'You know talking to the unconscious is supposed to be reassuring to the injured patient,' Liara says breaking me out of my thoughts. Not for the first time I wonder if she's actually telepathic. Perhaps she just has my number. "For the Asari, maintaining a connection with our loved ones is vitally important to their health and recovery. They might not remember you being there, but your presence can be reassuring to them."

So, we make our way to Huerta Memorial Hospital and I gaze around at the civility. I find their calm, their lack of action disturbing. I know not everyone can be a soldier and I do not expect them to be, but when something comes to wipe out your existence, you pick up a fucking gun.

Liara leaves me to visit Kaidan on my own, discretely ducking away to talk to a doctor. I enter the room quietly and stand by his bed. The bruising on his face is just coming into bloom, blacks, blues, and a nice hue of purple. In a few days, the green and yellows will start to bud. I try to think of something to say, so I start with the 'we miss you' stuff 'hope you get better soon', but I quickly find I'm rambling platitudes. The crux of it is; he has to recover. He's an excellent soldier and the war requires him. But when I look at him lying there, broken, all I feel is fear. I tell him we need him. I need him.

Back on the ship, I wander up to the command deck and check through the reports I've missed. I try to concentrate on the mission at hand, but Kaidan haunts my thoughts. As I enter the flight area, I hear the tail end of a conversation between Liara and Joker.

'So Kaidan is good now?'

'I wouldn't say that, but he's in the right hands, barring complications, he'll heal and be well again.'

'Well I'm glad to hear it.'

'Just one thing though, Jeff, keep an eye on Shepard for me?'

'That's a given.'

'What?'

'Sorry, Earth lingo. I, of course, will keep an eye on him. Hell, both eyes.'

'One eye is enough, Jeff, thank you. You'll need the other to fly.' I smile; I love Liara's dry wit. I wait thirty seconds or so and walk up behind Joker's chair. Disturbingly, he turns slowly and smiles at me.

'You know, Commander, the food quality has declined since you left, less taste more dust,' Joker belches at the end just to emphasise his point. I wonder if he knew I was there for the conversation with Liara.

'You clearly haven't eaten an Alliance ration pack; they sit in your gut like a slab of iron.'

Joker pulls a disgusted face, 'You're starting to make what Wrex used to eat sound appetising.' He changes tact and asks, 'How'd the meeting with the council go?'

I scowl wondering how I can best phrase, like shit, politely.

'Woah, never mind, I'll just assume we are on our own as usual.'

'Probably best,' I say, still scowling.

After checking in and making sure we are heading to Palaven, I take a moment to head up to my quarters. I look over my armour; fix the additions I picked up. I wipe the rest of the red dirt out of the hidden places in the armour and on to the floor. Even now, when I hold my helmet in my hands, I feel a wave of cold wash over me. For an instant, the idea of ever putting the helmet back on fills me with dread. The intelligent part of me understands the fear is natural, considering the trauma I went through. The irrational part wants to throw the damn thing as far from me as possible. I had panic attacks, back when I was working for Cerberus; somehow, I managed to control it by myself. I didn't have to wear one when I was in custody and when the attack happened I just put it on without thinking, needs must. I put the cursed thing down and don't look at it.

I hope that the new weapons we picked up are serviced soon and I'll be able to have a little choice in how I kill. Before I head out to join the crew for the drop off to Palaven, I make a point of not looking at the bed I avoided. I just don't have the time for sleep yet. I don't look in the mirror either.

I walk out onto the command deck and have to have a moment to comprehend the devastation of the Turian home world. I want to say I cannot believe it, but of course, I can. As I watch the fires rage on Palaven, I know the Turian's will fight until none are left. I wonder how many other races in the past have done so. I feel an unbridled anger, an outrage at what is happening to our galaxy. I do what I have always done; I use it to focus, to underline what I am doing. I never doubt that the mission is everything.

The trip to Palaven's moon is a bumpy one. I watch Vega's face, glowing from the light of the red fire of Palaven; his eyes widen trying to take it all in. He just says, 'Damn.' There really isn't much else to say. I try not to think of the Turian's burning and I push the thoughts of Earth away. Sentimentality had a time and a place, and that wasn't now or here.

We find a landing zone, clear it of hostiles, and hustle to find the general. I wish I could describe the sense of relief I felt when I laid eyes on Garrus, for the first time in years. He pats me on the back, just like old times, like I'd never left. Loyalty is not a tangible thing, but it is worth so much and Garrus' was gold to me. His beady black eyes miss nothing and I can see the weight of responsibility on his shoulders; he wears it well. Still ugly though.

Finding the Primark was not easy, but we manage. It appears though; even he needs me to run an errand for him. I have no choice but to agree to it, even though the circumstances are spurious as fuck. Tuchunka? Turian's? Yep, I didn't think it would be easy did I? And Garrus is none the wiser than I am, what hope do I have. All I know is that there is the very real possibility of making this war a lot fucking worse, I don't want the Krogan's pissed at me.

As it turns out, my old employer shows his hand and I take a moment to ensure that I never doubt my decision to cut ties with Cerberus. I do not know what the hell they think they are doing, but I cannot allow them to continue to interfere on such a damaging level. Good people died on Tuchunka, ones that should've been fighting the Reapers rather than the other races of the galaxy. I cannot get my head around the stupidity of Cerberus' choices. The anger inside of me builds a little more, but I try not to dwell on it.

'Garrus, if you don't stop picking at that you'll never heal.' Garrus lowers his arm down from where he was scratching his scars and laughs. I don't know what it is about that laugh, but it vibrates and renews me with energy.

'Oh it doesn't itch, I just like to feel it to remind myself how brave, and handsome I appear to females now,' his eyes light up with mischief and he pulls a face, one which I have decided is a grin, and looks at me.

'Well, you might not be top dog in that anymore, if the bruising Kaidan has is anything to go by. You might have to drop back to number three on that list.'

'Surely you mean number two?' I point to my scars and he chuckles again. 'No, I don't think so, Shepard; I am definitely the most scarred male on this ship. You'll have to do better, be braver,' he teases.

I hold up my hands in surrender, 'I'll try harder, I promise.'

'Good,' he says and then adds, 'How is Kaidan, healing?'

'He's going to recover, but he is pretty banged up.'

'That's too bad, wouldn't mind catching up with him.'

'I think you'll be able to soon.'

'That's good to hear,' Garrus pauses and the expression on his face changes, the humour is gone. 'How are you, Shepard?'

I don't answer straight away, I think about the things I have seen and there aren't really words. Kaidan's bruised face resurfaces in my mind and I feel the anger rise, the outrage.

'That's what I thought,' Garrus says.

'It is what it is, Garrus, I do what I can, when I can, for whoever I can. There really isn't any more to it than that.'

'What about your family?' I shrug and he adds, 'I don't know about my father or sister either.'

A silence falls between us, but rather than be awkward it strangely strengthens us. He pats my shoulder and asks, 'What about Kaidan?'

'What about him, I don't understand?'

'You didn't leave each other on the best of terms last time you met.'

'On Horizon?' Garrus nods. 'I don't think it matters now the Reapers are here, either way.'

'You don't?'

'Nope.'

'You don't think it matters that he insinuated you were a traitor to the Alliance, refused you help, and called into question your continued existence at the hands of Cerberus?'

'I wouldn't put it quite like that, but yes he had some issues with me.'

'He said you were no longer the man he thought you were.'

I can't let what Garrus has said slide, it hurts me and I say nothing, hoping he'd leave it alone.

'I'm not trying to be unpleasant, Shepard, but I remember that conversation, and I remember how you reacted to it.'

'I reacted by getting on with the goddamn mission.'

'Yes, we got on with the mission, but you were different. I know what he said affected you. I want you to know, he was wrong.'

I glance at Garrus quickly and shake my head. He's the one that's wrong. Kaidan had it bang on the money, that's why it hurt so much.

'You think Kaidan's right on this?'

I nod.

'Why?' Garrus' voice is incredulous.

I feel tightness in my throat and I struggle to say the words, 'It's difficult to explain.'

'I'm a good listener, Shepard, try me.'

'It wasn't till Kaidan said, I wasn't the man he remembered, that I started wondering, what if I'm not? What if Cerberus has done something to me to make me work with them? I thought the Alliance had let me down, by not wanting to hear about the Reapers, heads in the sand. But I wondered, maybe I should've listened to them. I doubted myself, Garrus, for a long time before I stopped trying to work it out. One way or another, I will stop the Reapers, because that mission is everything. Whatever I am is unimportant.'

'From another outsider's point of view, Shepard, you haven't changed in your resolution to defeat the Reapers. You have honour, integrity, and I've always thought a true sense of who you are. I understand the doubt though, only because I wondered what Cerberus had done. I wasn't going to let them puppet you around, disgracing your legacy. My friend, I would have made sure you had a quick end if that were the case.'

I had no idea that Garrus had the same thoughts as I had done. Honestly, I was grateful that he would chose to kill me rather than let Cerberus use me. I guess my surprised look causes Garrus to wonder if he's offended me.

'I hope that would've been what you wanted.'

'It still is what I want, Garrus.'

'Still?'

'I don't know what cards Cerberus has to play, but I will rest a little easier knowing you've got my back.

'Always, Shepard. Always.'

'Good to know, Garrus.'

'Kaidan will see, Shepard, as I have done; you lead by example. I still don't think you should ignore it. Clear the air, build new bridges.'

I nod, he's right of course. Goddamn Turian's reasoned logic.

My quarters are the quiet in the storm of things happening on the ship. I prefer to stay here while I am going over mission reports and data. We are heading back to the Citadel for supplies, information, and I would like to check in on Kaidan. It's not long before the door chimes and Liara is inside, looking at the mess I have created. I am perched inside a circle of data pads.

Liara looks at me with a mix of pity and anger. 'Shepard, when did you last sleep?'

'Before the Reapers came.' I may as well be truthfully, she'd know if I lied.

'Shepard!'

'Things are somewhat busy, you know.'

Her expression softens and she starts picking up the pads and piling them upon the table. I look at her bemused. She says, 'Go shower, you stink like a Krogan,' I do as I am told.

When I hit the warmth of the shower, I realise just how tired I have become. The heat soothes the aches and bruises I have. I enjoy the moment until I feel something crunching under my bare feet. I look down at the red coloured dirt, still in the base of my shower from the last wash. I feel a lurch in my gut, one that I dare not acknowledge. After I dry off, I wash the dirt down the drain.

Liara is still waiting for me and the moment I step into the room, she points at the newly made bed.

'Liara, you don't have to make my bed for heaven's sake.'

'I know, but someone has to, it's not like you were,' she sighs, 'Just get in the bed, Shepard.'

I weigh up the arrival time to the Citadel, whether I think I will sleep or not, the work that still has to be completed and if I can keep surviving on coffee. I decide if I don't try to sleep, I'll be dead within days, one way or another. I find something to sleep in, change, and get into the bed. I look at Liara and she smiles, it is coy and alluring. She did not look away when I dressed. She leaves without another word.

I wish I could say I slept well, but is there really such a thing in times like these. I dreamt of swirling red storms and the Reapers. I saw the blood of a galaxy flowing into the Reapers veins. Those I loved and cared about were dead and somehow only I remained, the Reapers wanted me to see it all fall, to see why fighting was futile. I was wrenched from my sleep, by EDI, who informed me that we had arrived at the Citadel. I was grateful to leave the dream behind me.

The gleaming whiteness of the Citadel had not lessened any and a feeling of false reality dogged me wherever I went. There were families and crew, talking and laughing, but underneath there is a sense of fear. A darting of eyes, a shaky hand gesture, over-laughing and borderline hysteria were just a few of the subconscious behaviours people were expressing. Of course, they hadn't been down to the loading areas flooded with refugees, who had seen the bad shit.

There have been times in my career as a soldier where I've been accused of being a sociopath. It's not true, but how do you explain that killing thousands of Batarians was a necessary decision, without looking like you have no feelings? As I look at the refugees, the wounded, the lost, and the young children with no one looking after them, I fucking feel I assure you. There are times when I wish I was a sociopath, because I think it would make things easier, really, I do.

Kaidan was sitting up in bed, making the beaten senseless look work for him. God knows why, I brought him some brandy that was touted as having healing properties. I guess I just didn't want to arrive empty handed. The moment was completely ruined by Udina. He stank up the room considerably. I curtly greeted him with his own name and was grateful he took the hint to leave. I hoped he wasn't pestering Kaidan with his bullshit politics.

When I stand next to the bed, I am suddenly stuck for conversation so thrust the bottle at Kaidan instead. He smiles shyly and says thanks. I look at his face and see the bruising has healed a little; the swelling has reduced. Kaidan is not like me, his features are delicate one might even say pretty. I am rough, unshaven most of the time with scarring on my face and that was before I died. Cerberus didn't see the need to cosmetically change anything about me and although their implants had healed, I still had fine, white lines where they brought me back to life. Let's face it; I'm winning no awards for aesthetics any time soon. Usually, I wouldn't think about whether I'm attractive or not, but seeing Kaidan always makes me feel ugly inside and out. I can't help but feel he is judging me and the way he looked at me on Horizon, always lingers in the back of my mind.

We small talk and avoid any serious conversation. I know what Garrus suggested is right, but I cannot bring that up now. I especially don't want to ruin his moment of happiness at being promoted to Spectre. I always thought he would be. When I leave I don't look back, because the past is there and I am moving into the future of our survival.

* * *

A/N: I wrote this story to mirror 'Wake the Sea of Silent Hope' which is written entirely from Kaidan's point of view. You don't need to read it, to understand this story, but you can if you want to. For those who have patiently waited for this, thank you :) I am also writing a story that will continue on from the end of both stories and after the Reapers have been defeated.


End file.
